When You Know That You Just Don't Know
by little-linds
Summary: Post Casino Night. "You feel like you could cry because you are flying and you know you're gonna fall."


**A/N Decided to upload my LJ fics here so they wouldn't get lost. This takes place after Casino Night and it's rambly and it's second person. I dunno.**

You tell yourself you don't know how it happened but when Jim stares back at you, eyes piercing yours; you know _exactly_ how it happened. His hands linger on your arms and you can feel the electricity transferring from him to you, your inner mantra repeating "Jim kissed me, Jim kissed me."

He moves his hands from your arms and you can see him thinking, debating, wondering. You want him to touch you again because you know that after this moment, nothing will be the same. You want him to touch you when you are just Pam and he is just Jim and you aren't two people making mistakes, dancing around your feelings, worrying about other people.

You realize your hands are still on his face, lightly brushing his cheeks and its something you would normally be embarrassed about, your face would flush and you'd run, but in this moment you want your skin to brand him.

He's yours and always has been.

So you leave them and you know he realizes you are still touching him because he leans down and presses his lips to yours in a soft barely there kiss. You didn't think your heart could beat any faster but it does and you have to breathe in short heavy gasps in order to keep from exploding.

There's still a little bit of his taste in your mouth and you press your lips together, running your tongue along your bottom lip. Your eyebrows raise and meet each other in the middle and you feel like you could cry because you are flying and you know you're gonna fall.

There's no where to go but down.

You don't know if you should run now but you are scared and he looks scared and you don't want him to be the one to leave so you start to move when he grabs your arm and pulls you in for another kiss. The kiss is hard and deep and you pull at his shirt, balling it into your fists and he starts to whisper something that you can't quite make out because your ears are heavy with broken promises from careless people.

He presses his cheek against yours and now he's breathing in heavy gasps and you know that _he's_ close to exploding, you both are and what a way to go that would be. You breathe in again and he smells like security and soap and you can feel his eyelashes flutter against your cheeks.

Then there's a crash and a gasp and you both turn to see the end of two shadows running, taking your secret with them. He looks at you, at the shadows, then back at you and his eyes are pleading something you can't figure out because there's too many parts that have been hidden for too long.

Then he's gone and you see the end of _his_ shadow.

You walk to your car out of habit but you can't go home and you can't drive around because your eyes are blurred with tears. You feel stuck and alone and if you are honest with yourself, it's not a foreign feeling.

Impulsiveness, spontaneity; those are things that have been missing in your life and that one kiss encompasses all that and more.

You lean against your car in the dark when you hear him say your name. He says it again and you want to crumple because when he says it he validates you and you shouldn't be giving that to someone else.

He tells you that all you have to do is say it and he will leave, but he won't run from you because this is the first thing that's felt right to him in a long time. You're scared and you don't look at his eyes because you'll see yourself in them, you'll see what he sees and you're not sure if that's someone you can be. You can't be that person and be with someone else because it feels an awful lot like cheating.

You don't know what to say to him so you shake your head and he steps towards you, stealing your breath with each stride.

"Tell me this is wrong, tell me you don't feel the same, tell me I'm mistaken, that you don't love me back and I will go. I'll forget about you and this," he pleads with you.

"I…I can't." You stammer. You don't know what to say because you don't want to lie but you can't give him promises either.

"So, you do feel the same?" He asks and you know he needs to hear it, not through omission, but through it falling from your lips.

"Jim...please don't do this."

"No..." He traces your cheek with his finger. "Either you do or you don't."

You can't breathe because your insides feel like they are spilling out and it's too late to go back now. The point of return passed the second you kissed him back. He can see the answer in your eyes, you know he can, but you don't know if you can say it because then you'd have to face it and the confrontation of your feelings just might kill you.

So you leave.

You leave him standing there because you are confused and kinda angry. You drive around, you turn and turn and turn because you're getting close to home and _he_ can't see you like this.

You repeat Jim's voice in your head. _Either you do or you don't._ You imagine yourself saying 'I do' and then the world spins and you are in a white gown and he's in a tux and he says 'I do' and you want that _so_ badly.

So you turn again and you pull up to his apartment, behind his car in the driveway. You sit there for a minute and wipe the mascara from under your eyes. You walk to his door, the porch light shining down on you and you knock.

He opens the door and you can tell he's surprised because a gasp escapes his lips. And he's been crying, or sleeping, or both because he has his pajama pants on and a T-shirt and his hair is disheveled and his eyes match yours.

He leans on the door, his elbow on the frame and you can see how, _why_ you fit in those arms, that chest, so well.

You open your mouth and you say it. "I do." He pulls you into his arms and holds you, kissing the top of your head, your forehead, your cheeks, because he knows right now you need that more than kisses on your lips.

And you stand there like that, in the doorway, the porch light shining on your entwined bodies because you know he needs the reassurance of your arms around him more than anything else.


End file.
